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A new school year often means new roommates, and those roommates might be people you weren’t friends with prior to you living together. People coming from different types of households often have different expectations around what is and isn’t acceptable in shared living spaces. This can leave one roommate very unhappy with the situation they find themself in, and at a loss as to what to do about it. Here are a few tips to increase your chances of a good relationship with your roommate(s), and how to deal with conflict in the healthiest way possible.
- Don’t assume. The key to having healthy relationships is not to assume that you know how someone is feeling or what they want. This means asking if it is okay for you to have people over, borrow your roommates things, or play music out loud while you're studying. While these may be things you’re used to and that other roommates or family members didn’t have a problem with in the past, remember that everyone has different boundaries and expectations. Asking first ensures you don’t accidentally cause someone harm or distress. Asking first also helps normalize the idea of asking for consent before you take actions that affect other people, and will encourage your roommate to be just as considerate and ask YOU before they have that rager the night before your big exam.
- Remember, your roommate didn’t sign up for your significant other or hookups. University is a great time to sexually experiment, and as long as you’re being safe and consensual you should be able to have as much or as little sex as you want. But it’s important to respect your roommates' boundaries around sexuality, and to talk about those boundaries the same way you would talk to a partner. Unless your partner has fully consented to you hooking up in shared spaces or to the possibility of walking in on/ overhearing your sexual activities, forcing them to do so is sexual assault. While accidents do happen in close living quarters, you should be considerate of when your roommate might be home, and keep things private unless everyone involved is okay with it. Exhibitionism (or the threat of it) is fun, but only in spaces where you aren’t making people uncomfortable or crossing boundaries.
- Ask where your roommate is at BEFORE you vent. As you and your roommate become closer, it might become normal for you to talk about your day when you get home. Venting about a class or annoying professor can help make those things more bearable, and hearing a reassuring “ugh, me too” can mean a lot. Listening to your roommate talk for hours about their friend’s boyfriend can be exhausting, however, and is a type of work called emotional labour. Emotional labour can take a lot out of people, so making sure your roommate is in a space where they can do that work can do a lot to keep your relationship healthy. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to talk about your feelings, just that it’s important to check in with your roommate first about how THEY’RE feeling and ask first if you need to talk about something really important or emotionally draining. You might not know if they just went through a difficult breakup, have an important paper they need to be working on, or just need some space at the moment. Asking first ensures you’re respecting their needs and that you’re talking to someone who’s able to give you the full support you need.
- Don’t be afraid to speak up, and try to compromise when your roommate does the same thing. As much as you try to check in about boundaries, you aren’t going to be able to read your roommates mind. Eventually something will come up that will annoy one of you, and you’ll need to talk about it. If something that your roommate does is bothering you, figure out a time when you both have the space and energy to have a conversation and tell them what’s going on. Instead of blaming them or telling them what they’re doing wrong, focus on your own feelings and what would help you be happier or feel safer. For example, saying “You need to stop playing that loud music already, it’s super annoying” can cause someone to act defensively as it feels like you’re attacking them. Instead, you might say “I’ve been having a hard time studying lately because I can sometimes hear your music in my room. Would you be able to wear headphones or keep it off after 5 o’clock because that’s when I do my homework?” This is focused on you and what you're feeling, while giving a clear description of what you need from the person you’re talking to. It might not always be possible to fully get what you want, but as long as both people are willing to honestly state what they need and give a little, it’s usually possible to work out a compromise most people can live with. That being said, not every person will be focused on respecting boundaries, being honest, and compromising so everyone is happy. Watch out for how your roommate responds to your requests and if they respect your boundaries, it’ll tell you a lot about whether you want to room with them again next year.